So… you’ve been drinking like a champion all afternoon (and most of the night) and after a few hours of drunken flirting, you’ve found that special someone you want to spend the rest of
your life the night with. Every time you make eye contact, there’s a tingling sensation in your pants that you’re almost positive isn’t bed bugs or (God-forbid) some kind of STI, so you’ve both decided to take it to the next level. All you need to do now is find somewhere that you can both enjoy hours of beautiful, passionate, love-making minutes of adventurous and drunken sex, which you’ll probably never tell your parents about.
So, for those of you uninitiated in the fine art of Party Hostel sex, just how do you go about getting laid in this debaucherous environment? Well, if you use your head (for just a couple of minutes, I swear…then you can let your privates take control) there’s plenty of places where you and your new found sex-partner can find a mutually suitable location to GET IT OOOONNNNNN! (cue some Jack Black from High Fidelity!)
You’ve both paid for a bed, so it’d be a waste of money not to use it, right? Now in any other Hostel, sex in your dorm room is generally frowned upon, so you’d probably offend the least amount of prudes sometime around mid-afternoon as the rooms should’ve been cleaned, and other guests are out taking selfies in front of old churches. But Party Hostels are a different monster, so if you both crave privacy anywhere near as much as you crave each other’s genitals, the only chance you’ll have is while the guests are drinking elsewhere. You’ll just have to keep an ear out for late check-ins and lightweight drinkers. If you’ve hooked up too late in the night and you’re not exhibitionists, just hang a sheet or a blanket from the top bunk. That way, people know what you’re up to and will hopefully either roll over with a smile & pass out, or cheer you both on. Either way, expect high fives & free shots when you both stumble out of bed in the afternoon.
The bathroom might not be the cleanest, the best-smelling or the most comfortable option, but it IS one of the only places in most Party Hostels with any kind of privacy. So it makes a whole lot of sense to get busy in a shower stall, especially if either of you are shy. A bonus is that the sound of the shower also creates some good white noise which means you don’t have to worry about being too quiet, so turn the hot water on high and steam things up a bit. Plus disabled bathrooms become your own personal sex-swing jungle gym, which gives you both an opportunity to get really creative.
The laundry has (hopefully) clean sheets, clean towels, and boxes of detergent & fabric softener, which can really make it seem like a cozy little love den. Especially if you’re hooking up really late at night, like the hour or so before sunrise, when everyone is either passed out, sleeping, or vomiting in someone’s luggage. If there’s no lock and you don’t want to get interrupted, try hanging a bra on the outside doorknob. Or his jocks, preferably with a skid-mark… ain’t no one gonna touch that!
Would you do it for a Scooby Snack? Like, Zoinks! Let’s split up, gang!… If you really want to find the ‘Prophylactic Monster’, you’re gonna have to think like Scooby and the gang. Check behind all the doors, especially any without signage. One of them is definitely going to be a linen closet, a cleaners area or some kind of storage room. They’re usually quite small rooms, cluttered with stuff and quite often without a working light, so get ready for some clumsy fumbling in the dark. It’ll be like high school all over again. And if you do happen to get busted mid-coitus, just turn to them and say: “I could have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”. Laughing ensues.
A lot of buildings in most cities have ways to get onto the roof, but most of the time finding how to get up there without asking or setting off a fire alarm is difficult. Sometimes there’s a (hopefully unlocked) door at the top of the internal fire stairs, there could be a ladder going up through a hatch on the top floor, or maybe you have to climb out a window to go up the external fire escape. But all of your hard work will certainly pay off if you do find your way onto the roof, because you’ll have a starry sky and a sunrise to increase the romance, and you’re almost guaranteed privacy from other guests. Just be aware of people in windows in any surrounding buildings. Pic above: Related.
Nature’s calling. Go outside. Sex in the great outdoors can be thrilling and will sometimes make for a great story. Just head down to the beach, skinny dip in a lake or wander into the woods. If you’re surrounded by nature, you’ll be able to find somewhere in the open air to make the beast with two backs. But if nature isn’t on your doorstep, finding somewhere else is still possible. Think more parks and riversides, than public transport and alleyways. Or as long as you’re not ‘I may throw up soon’ drunk, find out if there’s a Ferris wheel in town… you’ll get some privacy and views of the city. Finding a place to have sex outside is just like buying Real Estate: location, location, location.
How often have you seen couples basically dry-humping while they’re dancing? If the nightclub you end up in is crowded enough, and you’re both game enough, you could possibly go all the way with just a couple of discreet wardrobe adjustments. Now THAT’S Dirty Dancing!
If you don’t like PDA or you just can’t find anywhere remotely suitable, as long as you don’t mind sacrificing some of your spending money, getting a private room in some Party Hostels may be a possibility. Well, that’s assuming that you can actually find a staff member sober enough to arrange a private room for you (yeah, good luck with that!). If all the staff are drunk, asleep or having sex themselves, you could always check if any private rooms are unlocked. But always do the right thing, get up early and pay for the room at reception. Just because you got laid last night, doesn’t mean you should fuck over the hostel staff and owners. But no matter how you end up in a private room, just remember… while admittedly you’re both free to enjoy each other’s bodies without interruption all night long, let’s be honest here… not only is it completely unadventurous, but it’s pretty much the same as every other one night stand in the history of ever, and none of your friends will be impressed with your travel story about ‘that one time you had sex with someone alone in a bedroom.’
If you’re a single traveller, there’s no place better to find yourself a short-term lover than a Party Hostel. That’s partly because of all the alcohol and the relaxed party atmosphere, but mainly because at least one of you will be leaving soon after. And that means it’ll be a totally clean break. People come as strangers (pun definitely intended!) and then leave as lovers… and possibly as Facebook friends.
Have we forgotten any? Let us know your tips for getting it on at Party Hostels!